My baptism of fire into the PhD as far from conventional, I
actually didn’t apply for it until June, which is really late, I actually had
secured an internship at Pepsi and was ready to go start that in September, but
one of my lectures from Bath mailed me saying that a fully funded teaching
scholarship was available and that I should apply for it, I thought what have I
got to lose, I actually didn’t think I would get it, and this thought was
echoed by my current masters dissertation supervisor, who was less than
supportive of my application, telling me the standard was really high so I
shouldn’t get my hopes up, but also unleashing some fury at me, because I
hadn’t asked him to supervise my PhD (I thought about originally applying in
January, but didn’t get round to it, and this person, came to see me, off his
own back, to tell me he wouldn’t supervise me, as I wasn’t good enough, not that
I even asked him) , but we will get back to this individual in a bit.
Shockingly I was accepted at the end of July, to my complete
surprise, I actually found out on Facebook from some of the lecturers but it
wasn’t officially announced for a few more weeks. By now I really wanted it, I
was hungry to do research and become Dr Brown, lots of fantasising about what
it would be like had convinced me this was a good move for me career wise.
But there was a time bomb going on in my personal life that
could rip all my dreams apart and change the course of my life forever. I found
out I was pregnant in July, much to mine and my boyfriend’s shock, I had to go
to Bath to talk to my Director of Studies and head of PhD’s to see how this
would affect me, I was still completing my dissertation for my masters and had
no idea what has going to happen, the university were great and I was told my
situation would not affect my PhD offer and I would just take maternity leave,
my dreams were back on track. (I am not going to discuss what happened, but you
will know that I do not have a baby, this is private and I ask you respect my privacy on this matter).
September was filled with sleepless nights worrying about if
I had made the right decision for me and if I could actually do this, something
that still haunts me and is a great source of anxiety, so much so that I have
had my medication increased,. Then my first day arrived, I was nervous to meet
people and start my new life. Here is where we come back to the previously mentioned
individual, he had now decided he must be my supervisor and there was some very
backhanded email, with him telling me that I needed the best supervisory team
for me and I needed to think about my career in the long run and who would be
best for that, while never officially stating he meant himself, but it was all
implied in the emails, this caused a panic, as this individual had recently
become a professor, was now head of marketing and was really renowned in the
field, he was a much better choice for me and the direction of my work, I
didn’t know what to do. The issue was somewhat taken out of my hands, when he
emailed my current supervisor and told her I was unhappy and therefore
switching to him, I was gobsmacked that he did this, and was worried about the
repercussions of this, thankfully it work out well, to begin with….
The terms of my scholarship meant I had to teach seminars,
something I was dreading, I have a real fear of public speaking and hate the
idea of people staring at me, i was terrified when I had to take my first
seminar, but I actually found I loved it, teaching has been one of my favourite
parts of my PhD, I love helping students and giving them a different view on
things, or them teaching me something I didn’t know about, it really is a great
opportunity to better myself and them, even if they do sometimes drive me
crazy. I got to mark presentation in my first semester and discovered I am
actually quite a harsh marker, and ask difficult questions, my poor students.
The first semester went quite well, I rarely seen my
supervisor and was just left to my own devices to direct my research, the only
input he had, was telling me to look at consumer disadvantage. My other two
supervisors (I have a team of 3) all wanted me to do different things so I was
jumping from idea to idea, at the time I didn’t see this being a problem, but
it was all about to blow up in my face come January.
In January we had a visiting academic, someone I highly
respected and her most recent paper was one of my major influences in my work
and wanting to do a PhD, she hated my work, said it would never get published
and I needed to carve out my own niche, this is when the lack of supervision
became really apparent, I thought I’d had a break through with my idea, only for
it be slammed. After my meeting with her, all my supervisors stated they were
unhappy with my work. I was slowly starting to unravel, my teaching was
demanding this semester, one of my modules was a bitch with an incredible
amount of work, I just wasn’t coping, there were two main incidents that lead
to be having an mini breakdown at uni, I ended up crying to the admin staff in
reception and saying I wanted to leave, but before we get to the fallout from
this, we need to look at the two incidents in question.
Incident 1 – a meeting with one of my supervisors. He told
me that he was disappointed with my progress, I hadn’t really done anything
worthwhile yet and I had been here a while, which he wasn’t happy about, I
tried to defend myself, saying I lacked supervision from my main supervisor and
had everyone telling me to do different things, leading to a really disjointed
research ideas. I was pretty gutted about all this and had to hold back the
tears in the meeting, then I was leaving he dealt what was the knockout blow,
my main supervisor, the guy I had had all the problems with, no longer wanted
to my main supervisor and instead, this guy was going to take over. I was
devastated, trying to work out what I had done wrong, It was like being dumped
by text, no explanation, so you end up blaming yourself. I sat and cried to my BF for hours over it, I
ended up packing a bag and just fleeing to my parents as I couldn’t deal with
it all. In a way, the change in supervision was going to be much better for me,
this person actively wanted to help and work with me, he wanted me to succeed
and was willing to put the work in, meaning I would do better, so it was
actually a good change. This is when I first started talking about leaving. Was
all this worth it? Did I want to do this anymore? Did I want to become an
academic at the end of this? Was I capable of doing this? These thoughts buzzed
around my mind, causing much distress.
Incident 1 – When I did return, I had a meeting with my
third supervisor, the one who is always off tangent to everyone else and had
his own, very different ideas, this was the final nail in the coffin for me, he
told me i needed to up my game, I was still operating on the level of a masters
student and this wasn’t good enough. He told me I needed to go back to basics
and forgo my context (plus size) as I was never going to be able to make it
work and I would always be compared to my idol I had met. I left that meeting,
phoned my dad, cried my eyes out telling him I couldn’t do this anymore, I was done, I was working my butt off for
nothing. I went downstairs to the admin office, and said I wanted to leave, to
her credit, Soz, took me into reception, sat me down and just hugged me and
asked me what was wrong, I just sobbed and poured our everything to her, it
felt too good to finally voice all my fears to someone, she told me I had to
talk to my supervisor about my feelings before calling it a day.
I went back to my office and spoke to some of the other PhD
girls, who were in the later stages of PhD life, they told me that this was
normal, and if I wasn’t crying over my PhD, I wasn’t doing it right and that it
was too early to leave, I would forever regret It as I hadn’t given it time to
work. They took me for dinner that night and made me feel a lot better about
things, I also have a meeting with my supervisor, who pre-empted most of my
problems and already had solutions, he told me I was more than capable, and I
agreed to stay until the summer before making a final decision.
That brings us pretty much up to present day, I am feeling
much more positive about things, I have gone back to basics and am studying the
CCT literature, I had a meeting with another visiting academic and she had
nothing but praise of me to the other PhD’s and staff, which really made me
feel better about myself, sometimes we just need a little ego boost.
I have learnt some valuable lessons in this time that I need
to man up a bit and learn to pick my battles and think is something that really
matters and what are me just being a bit of a drama queen. I am also eternally
grateful to my parents, who were a rock and support me no matter what, when I
said I wanted to leave, they never told me I couldn’t, they just said that if
that is what I wanted and would make me happy then fine and they would sort
everything out for me. My BF has been amazing, a voice of reason when I have
been acting bat shit crazy and couldn’t detach myself from the hurt and upset
of what was going on, he would reassure me that everything was going to be ok.
I have also made some great friends on my course, who help pick me up on the
bad days.
Do I regret start a PhD? No, it has just been a steep
learning curve, I think my expectations of what it would be like were just
different to reality, we are thrown in at the deep end without a life jacket
and have to hope we make it ashore eventually or die trying (that sounded a bit
dramatic). I knew it was going to be hard, doing a PhD isn’t a walk in the
park, but I don’t think I expected it to be this hard and I think my own mental
state hasn’t helped me deal with it as well as I could/should have. I am doing
this because it is something I want to achieve for myself, In 4 years I want to
be able to say I have a doctorate and know I managed it, through all the sweat
and tears and I know holding that scroll in my hand while wearing a silly hat
will all be worth it, even if I decide to quit academia after and get a regular
job, I don’t think this is about a career anymore (but that is a bonus) it is
about proving something to myself, that I can do it and I am worth trying for.
Looking back at 15 year old me, who was a truant, hated school and was
predicted D and E’s in my GCSE’s I have come a long way, and I am proud of
myself, whatever happens.
Sorry this post has been so long, so much has happened
already, let’s hope the next 6 months are better and I can move forward.
