Last week I was diagnosed with chronic back pain. I have had
quite severe pain in my lower back for a few months now, it got to the point
where it was bringing tears to my eyes and I was struggling to do my everyday
tasks, I sit at a desk for hours on end writing, I could no longer sit there
for more than an hour or so before the pain got unbearable, it was also
starting to spread into my legs. The situation as a whole just got too much for
me and I went back to the doctors and begged them to help me, sadly there isn’t
much that can be done for back pain, just strong doses of painkillers (which I have
to take other tablets with to stop me from getting stomach bleeds) and physio. Then
the dreaded question came out the doctor’s mouth ‘How do you feel about your
weight?’
I think I actually sat there for a few seconds thinking
about the question as no doctor had ever worded it like that to me, I told him I
was happy with my weight and that I didn’t see it as a real issue, I told him I
wasn’t someone who sat on my arse all day stuffing cakes into my face, as per
the stereotype of fat people, and that I actually ate a pretty decent diet and
had remained the same size for about 3 years now meaning I wasn’t putting on
weight, just maintaining my current weight (for the record I don’t weight
myself, I don’t see any worth in the numbers, I go by measurements). He
commended me on my positive attitude, which he seemed a bit taken back by,
maybe he excepted me to break down and tell him I hated myself. Anyway to get
to the point, I was told that my weight could be playing a huge factor in my
back pain and that long term weight loss was something I would have to do if I wanted
to end the pain. He told me that they could help me, sign me up for a weight management
course, get me into weight watchers for free, and even get me a free gym
membership.
This has left me very conflicted, I am truly happy as I am, I
don’t want to change, It has taken years to become this happy in my skin, but
my weight is now effecting my health and that is when you have to sit up and
take notice as my health is important (that goes without saying I’m sure). I
was talking to my dad about it on the drive home from Bath and I said the
problem was, as I was happy with who I was, losing weight would be pointless in
the long run, yes I could go and lose weight quite easily, I would be miserable
but I could do it, but to maintain weight loss it is a lifestyle change, not
just a diet, and for me it would just be a diet, I wouldn’t change my
lifestyle, as I am happy with my lifestyle, so would put the weight back on
once I had reached the 10% target set by the doctor, and then it could become a
vicious cycle of having to go on diets every year.
I worry this could affect my self-worth, I could get back
into the mind-set that the numbers matter, if I spend time around people who
want to lose weight and think that fat Is bad, it could poison my thinking and
seep into my being and drag me back to self-hatred for myself. People telling
me all the time that my weight is a problem and that I am overweight and saying
it negatively could make me believe them. I don’t want to go back to that
place, I like the place I am in now, I love who I am, I am part of an amazing
community of fabulous plus sized woman who also love who they are. I fear
losing weight will make me a traitor to everything I stand for and the plus
size community stands for. I also fear that I would lose the weight and end up being
a size 18, on the cusp of plus size and become on the edge on the community,
become stuck between plus size and main size. I am probably being irrational about
it all, but bottom line, I need to lose weight and I think it will do more
damage than good. (Sorry this post has been long and a bit rambling)
I would love to know your views on this, have you been told
you need so lose weight? How did it make you feel? How did you cope? What did
you do? Can you still be body positive while losing weight?
